Coffee minus sleep equals Memories

You are so beautiful.  You don't even fucking know it.  You don't even know what you mean to me...

MEMORIES: 

Cheney washington...

second grade-fourth grade...minus a small gap in third grade...

I remember...Andrew Richardson my best friend.  We would play soccer all day and chase the girls on the playground.  We were the cool kids.

I remember...playing basketball in the park...

I remember being the only kid who could bat both left handed and right handed in baseball games...

I remember diving for catches and feeling like a superstar...

I remember living in a RV park...in a tiny trailer...with my brother dan, my brother bill, my brother don, and my parents. I slept on a tiny couch/dining room.  It was cramped and cold in winter.  

I remember listening to my brothers sleep...because they were so close.

I remember getting food from the food bank and getting clothes from the free store.  I remember getting food stamps.  And I remember not caring...cuz we got tons of donuts from the food bank and i was a fat little kid.

I remember my brother working at a donut shop...and he would bring home the old donuts every single night.  So good.

I remember we would eat ice cream pretty much every night.  We wouldn't even scoop it out...We would slice it into sections...

......food memories........i was fat wasn't i?......

I remember living so close to my brother chris and my sister PJ and not getting to see them enough.

I remember one Christmas my parents said we didn't have stockings and we would have to put our actual socks up....well...not by the fireplace...cuz we lived in an RV...but we put them next to one of the cabinets   :)    I remember being so upset cuz my sock was dirty because we were constantly playing basketball or baseball...bleh.....In the morning I awoke to presents and fresh stockings...My parents had tricked us.  I love them for it.  I would love to go back and see the smile on my face.

I remember drawing...and loving it...I was an artist.  My parents loved it and would get me untensils and paper whenever they could.  It was my favorite thing to do.  They thought I would become an artist...i guess i have in some ways.

I remember jelly bean day at school at the end of the year.  All the kids would go through the school and do multiple activities earning jelly beans.  I would just stay at the basektball booth the whole day.  They eventually got tired of me stealing all of their jelly beans and made me leave...

I remember  riding around on shitty bikes and not caring....learning how to ride with no hands...and feeling free...and then falling on my ass and feeling...shitty

I remember getting those boxes of chocolates from school to sell for fund raisers...I went around the RV park trying to sell them...But of course nobody bought any...They all had no money.  They lived in a damn RV park.

I remember picking up bags of pinecones for the RV park owner with my brothers.  We got payed by the bag and we made some serious scratch.  We cheated though.  We would go off the property a little bit where there were hella pinecones.  We would get payed and go buy baseball cards and soda.

I remember getting pissed at Dan and Bill and throwing stuff at them.  Then I would get scared of hurting them...and then they would catch everything i threw at them...And then I would get pissed again...hehe

I remember the creeper neighbor that liked my sister

I remember the creeper neighbor who was always naked 

I remember Russ....hehe...the family will get that one...

I remember waking up every morning to the voice of my mom...It was the most relaxing thing in the world and I miss it so much.  She would come over to me and rub and scratch my back until I woke up...mommy

I remember...seeing my mom trip while coming out of the RV and being so scared for her.  I am connected with my mom in such a way...it's hard to describe...if i think of her ever being in pain...or if i see her in pain...it actually physically hurts me...it hurts...

I remember...my aunt patty and uncle george and grandpa Youdell coming up to visit...and I would tell them about my good grades because i wanted money.  

I remember...Uncle George always video taping.  What a smart man.  Capturing memories.  Life should always be video taped.  I can think of nothing more relaxing than sitting down with your family and watching your old selfs...uncle george...he knew what he was doing...and his memory is behind that tape...i love it.

i.............................................................remember

Rain and Memories

Rain.  

Cold, wet, yet satisfying.  

Making me think of every emotion that I push to the back of my head.  

Forcing me to confront my inner most fear…my inner most love…my inner most desires.  

It’s like an alarm clock waking me up in the split of the night.  

Focusing my eyes on it’s downpour.  

Like the touch of your loves finger tracing the outline of your body.  

It creeps down through your hair….across your flushed cheek….falling off the edge of your world.  

How Beautiful is memory?

How beautiful are the ones that spark memory…without being a part of it…the ones that you could love one day….

MEMORY NUMBER ONE:

Fort Bragg: 1992-1995

Between the months leading up to my entrance in kindergarten through the beginning part of second grade, I lived in Fort Bragg California.  My  memories…

I remember having what we called “hotel” nights.  We would buy chips, and soda, and crackers, and cheese and meats, and various snacks (just things you would eat at a hotel).  I remember always being so excited for these nights…

I remember the SOS printing press right next to our house.  They always had a recycled paper bin in their building which I would take from.  The sight and feel of blank paper was like Christmas morning to me.  Holding a stack of cardboard paper…streamers…oh my…it was always so exciting.  I used them to paint, to draw, to practice writing.  To this day…when I see a stack of blank white papers…I get excited…just because the potential for what could be created on them is endless…

I remember one day the power went out.  The story “Puretie” down the street was giving away all of their ice cream because it was melting.  I ate so much ice cream in the dark that day.  It was the most delightful feeling.  

I remember always showing off my muscles...and one day my sister took a picture of me, dan, and bill flexing...I was strong hehe..

I remember playing catch with my brother Robert in the park.  I remember he would throw a football so fast and instead of catching it “which I couldn’t” I would put my arm out and let it hit my forearm.  My arm would be completely red after playing with Robert.  

I remember going to the sand dunes.  They were right next to a broken down bridge.  One time I buried my little toy basketball and lost it.  I never found it.  To this day…it is resting in that sand…

I remember losing my best friend “Wolf”.  While building a sand castle…it collapsed on him suffocating him to death.  Death was foreign to me at the time.  I remember going to school and asking kids about Wolf and they didn’t even know he had died.  They just went along with their normal lives….And I remember crying…simply because I wanted to play with my best friend and he wasn’t there any more to play with….

I remember Halloween nights we would go to my Aunt Patty's and she would always give us huge Hershey’s bars….

I remember going to visit Patty she would have a hanging basket with lays potato chips in them and I would always eat them.  we would always have christmas and thanksgiving there too...

I remember making fun of my Aunts huge fat cat

I remember my aunt buying me a bike for Christmas and being so excited…

I remember a night when the whole family was actually together…maybe actually one of the last nights.  We went roller skating.  I remember being so scared to the point of just sitting in the corner and complaining about how I couldn’t do it.  There is a video of me somewhere out there.  And even though I couldn’t skate at all…and I fell down on my butt about fifteen times “hehe” I remember having fun.

I remember playing with my friend in the park.  It was right after a big Spanish music festival.  We found a purse behind the porty potties…So we told my parents and they called the cops…what they don’t know…My friend and I took the change out of the purse and made elaborate plans to buy fake tattoos with it.  We found a bag of what I thought was tobacco and also little papers…my parents being smokers, I realized what they were for.  We tried to roll up cigarettes and smoke them but the lighter was child proof..hehe…good thing…because I’m pretty sure that wasn’t tobacco…When the cop asked me about finding the purse I had to tell him we found nothing in it and that my friend had “accidentally” flushed the girls license down the toilet…hehe…wow

I remember playing baseball in the park.  We had a strange version of the game where we only had one base…I remember sliding into the base one day and twisting my ankle and I remember my brother Don picking me up and carrying me in his arms back to the house…Looking back I took that for granted…

I remember having small yard sales so we could get money for treats.  We mostly just sold some junk we had in our rooms.  We did sell a lot of comic books though.  We had a business plan.  Our next door neighbor ‘s “Chris Hoppinin” dad worked for a comic book store.  He would always send his kid the newest and greatest comics.  Christ was so amazed by these comics that he would give us his shitty mickey mouse and other stupid comics.  We ended up selling these for 5 cents a piece.  We made bank.  Chris would get jealous and try to sell his comics but no one wanted to buy them…He eventually stopped giving us his old comics…

I remember sharing a room with my brother's Dan and Bill.  We had a tape recorder which we used to make radio shows all the time.  We would also make crazy forts and play in them all day.  I remember always planning out ways we could attack our other brother Don when he came in the room...We would call him in...I would throw a blanket on his head from the top bunk...then Dan and bill would pummel him with balls...ahhh good times...

I remember my brother Bill reading The Boxcar Chilren to me at night...

I remember pogs

I remember Easter...

I remember the teachers aid at school with two missing fingers

I remember watching power rangers before school

I remember playing basketball in the park…

I remember…I remember…I remember…

Death becomes you

We must all answer this question.  "If you were to die today, would you be happy with your life?"

What do you want to do before you die?

MY ANSWER:

I would like to:

Save a life:  I would like to take a bullet for someone

Go to a pub in Ireland

Sit in a field in Ireland and just...write

Hop a train

Get lost in the forest

Jump out of  an airplane

Fly an airplane

Invent something

Love somone for the rest of my life

Climb Mt. Everest

Dig a hole in china....

Travel the whole world and take pictures

Ride a bike across the Unites States....and back....for exercise...

just run and keep running...

Discover a cure for capitalism

Ride a motorcycle

Write another book....one that means something

See emperor pengiuns

Have a pet baby polar bear

and oh...oh...oh so much more

but would I be happy...I surround myself with the things I love...so it would seem as If I were to die at any moment then I would die happy...But if I were to die with so much yet to see, help, cure, fix, love, and write about in this world....I would die happy...but sad...

WHAT OTHER PEOPLE IN MY LIFE WANT:

-If I were to die right​ now I would​n'​t be satis​fied.​ I have a great​ life,​ but I want so much more.​ I want a job where​ I can help peopl​e.​ It doesn​'​t have to be a huge thing​,​ but just helpi​ng peopl​e get what they want or need is wonde​rful.​ I want to trave​l to Franc​e and Germa​ny and see where​ my famil​y came from.​ I want to have intel​ligen​t child​ren who are confi​dent and stand​ up for their​ belie​fs.​ I want to adopt​ at least​ one child​ and love them as thoug​h I gave birth​ to them.​ I want to own a pair of Manol​o Blahn​iks that Sarah​ Jessi​ca Parke​r would​ be jealo​us of. I want to chang​e the life of someo​ne I meet and be someo​ne that no one ever forge​ts.​ I want to live for somet​hing.​

-I am happy​ right​ now, there​for would​ be happy​ when I die. I have the best frien​ds and famil​y.​ I would​ just like to go skydi​ving to feel the freed​om and rush.​ And maybe​ sail aroun​d the world​ in a solar​ power​ed speed​boat?​ becau​se saili​ng would​ take too long.​ I would​ stop every​where​ and see diffe​rent cultu​res.​ I also want to dig up a dinos​aur skele​ton,​ im not even kiddi​ng.​.​ and one last thing​:​ i would​ like to sleep​ with a beaut​iful forei​gn girl.​ I mean woman​.​.​.​ THEN I could​ die with a fulfi​lled life :)

-I would​ feel good about​ my life.​ Befor​e dying​,​ I want to see Jerus​alem.​ 

-Befor​e I die i want to exper​ience​ the world​ and all the peopl​e on it Maybe​ make it bette​r if possi​ble :)

I want to paint a mural.  I want to open up my own bakery/coffee shop/bookstore hybrid.  I want to tend and raise a garden.  I want to get a bunch of tattoos.  I want to write and publish a novel.  i want to know what it feels like to have a little baby life stirring inside of me.  I want to teach a child how to read.  I wnat to go back to Ireland, watch the rain fall, watch everything turn green.  I want to make art that really matters.  I want to take a million pictures.  I want to go to Carnival in Brazil and dance for three days straight.  I want to be a suicide girl.  I want to lay out under the stars.  I want to hold your hand.  I want to have a kitten named Sammich.  i want everything to fall into place.  among other things

-I would feel as though I had done the very best I could have and I would know the mistakes I made are not a big deal...and i know for sure that where I go...it will be okay...because I think I did a good job with my life's chores...with a few small sidetracks which everyone has!

WHAT I THINK OF EVERYONE IN MY LIFE

WHAT I THINK OF EVERYONE IN MY LIFE:

THE MOST BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE IN THE WORLD...AND THE SOLE REASON FOR MY THOUGHTS BEING HAPPY WHEN I DIE...

don't stop at normalcy in your life...strive for greatness...don't stay confined to your mind...do what you love to do...there is a reason there is so much beauty in the world...because something is needed to reciprocate the ugliness...